Forget Dick-In-a-Box...

Dick comes in cans. Contrary to what Justin Timberlake might have you believe, dick does not come in boxes, though some people might find boxes in which to stick their dicks (I'm looking at you again, JT). However, I generally try to avoid most scenarios that involve dicks or places they're being put. Little did I expect that as I rounded the corner into the organic food section that I would come across a form of dick with which I was totally (and blessedly) unfamiliar:



As if the idea of spotted dick pudding weren't bad enough, here it was made by Heinz, canned, and available at my local Fred Meyer grocery store. For one thing, spotted dick sounds infectious, and therefore surely the pudding from a spotted dick would not be consumable lest you come down with some sort of Malaysian ass fungus all over your mouth. But maybe that's why you're supposed to microwave it first? And sponge pudding? At a casual glance it looks like "spooge pudding" and the picture on the can doesn't do much to dissuade that assumption. Also, I must say that I doubt Heinz has ever produced anything organic other than perhaps the solid matter found in the toilets at their factory.

As with most horribly disturbing food items, the British are to be blamed for the creation of this monstrosity and the Germans for putting it in a can. This certainly hasn't put me any closer to getting past the blue ketchup of years past. If any of y'all want to come out and defend your country, now would be a good time.