Oh My Fucking HURK!
As most of my friends know, I am not easily grossed out. Disgusted, yes, but more in that pretentious there's-a-fly-in-my-soup sort of way. Today I was grossed out. Violently. To the point at which while typing to a friend I misspelled several synonyms for vomit in my attempt to quantify the churning of my innards. Behold, the Jones Soda Co. Holiday Pack for 2005:
Brussels Sprout, Cranberry, Turkey Gravy, Wild Herb Stuffing, Pumpkin Pie.
As if that weren't bad enough, that's only the beginning of the insult. They also have a regional pack:
Broccoli Casserole, Smoked Salmon Pate, Turkey & Gravy, Corn on the Cob, Pecan Pie.
"SMOKED SALMON PATE????" Now I am a northwestern girl and I know we love our salmon. But salmon flavored soda? Especially in combination with whatever chemicals make it zero calorie? You've got to be fucking kidding me. If I wanted my mouth to tasted like smoked fish for several hours I'd feast on biker-chick pussy.
The only sodas that don't completely horrify me are the cranberry sauce and the pecan pie. It's pretty hard to fuck up cranberry, and I imagine that the pecan pie tastes a lot like their cream soda ought to, instead of like sugar-sprinkled baby wipe.
Let me digress here to point out the particular shade of putrid that both the Brussels Sprout and Broccoli Casserole sodas are sporting. The slightly browner tint of broccoli one makes it reminiscent of what would be spurting in powerful jets out of your ass shortly after you'd consumed the brussels sprout soda in one sitting. With the opaquity of the liquid, it may even be hiding preissued chunks. Combine that with the Pecan Pie and soon enough you could be bottling your very own version of the Turkey & Gravy soda - homebrew style. And by homebrewed I mean expelled from your rectum straight into the bottle. They should definitely be marketing this as a bowel cleansing system, not an alternative Thanksgiving meal.
Brussels Sprout, Cranberry, Turkey Gravy, Wild Herb Stuffing, Pumpkin Pie.
As if that weren't bad enough, that's only the beginning of the insult. They also have a regional pack:
Broccoli Casserole, Smoked Salmon Pate, Turkey & Gravy, Corn on the Cob, Pecan Pie.
"SMOKED SALMON PATE????" Now I am a northwestern girl and I know we love our salmon. But salmon flavored soda? Especially in combination with whatever chemicals make it zero calorie? You've got to be fucking kidding me. If I wanted my mouth to tasted like smoked fish for several hours I'd feast on biker-chick pussy.
The only sodas that don't completely horrify me are the cranberry sauce and the pecan pie. It's pretty hard to fuck up cranberry, and I imagine that the pecan pie tastes a lot like their cream soda ought to, instead of like sugar-sprinkled baby wipe.
Let me digress here to point out the particular shade of putrid that both the Brussels Sprout and Broccoli Casserole sodas are sporting. The slightly browner tint of broccoli one makes it reminiscent of what would be spurting in powerful jets out of your ass shortly after you'd consumed the brussels sprout soda in one sitting. With the opaquity of the liquid, it may even be hiding preissued chunks. Combine that with the Pecan Pie and soon enough you could be bottling your very own version of the Turkey & Gravy soda - homebrew style. And by homebrewed I mean expelled from your rectum straight into the bottle. They should definitely be marketing this as a bowel cleansing system, not an alternative Thanksgiving meal.
posted by spazfilly at 1:37 PM
3 Comments:
Wow, spambot attack.
Actually, I tried the Turkey and Gravy soda. My friend handed it to me and said it was root beer. He'd taken off the label and I had a slight cold so I couldn't smell it...and well, he's not my friend any more.
Basically it tastes like the drippings from gravy and rice cat food smells. Nasty.
......but it's not April! They can't pull shit like that outside of April!!!
I actually got that variety pack for Christmas... you can imagine my joy... went straight to the drain, it did. But I did keep the bottles for tacky holiday flower arrangements. - S
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