Cream of the CRAP

Last night at the grocery store I stood in the express lane fidgeting while the dumb bitch two people in front of me argued with the cashier about the price of her cherries. Clearly she was misinformed, because a dried-up hag like that certainly no longer has a cherry of any kind, much less a whole bag. Instead of haggling over a bag of Rainiers that she wanted for $1.99 (every Northwesterner knows they never sell for less than $5.99/lb) she ought to have considered investing her money in a pair of pliers to remove the thorny stick from her crusty old sphincter.

Unfortunately, she was the sort of sniveling twat-smear who would rather gripe at the helpless cashier while shooting furtive glances at the mentally impaired bagger as opposed to use logic to determine that the best course of action would be to (at the very least) take a dominant lover with a propensity for the generous use of ball gags.

So, with my patience wearing incredibly thin, I stood there sweating from my run with my underwear simultaneously falling down below my hips and riding so far up my ass that I was in danger of a spleen-ectomy. Then, I saw a horror that outstripped Bitchy McTwatwipe so quickly that her insipid voice disappeared instantly into the hum of the grocery store.

Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. With WHITE CHOCOLATE.



Now, I don't go to the store all that often other than the occasional run to Fresh Plus. Consequently I have managed to completely overlook the development of this heinous new candy that has been on the stands since at least 2004.

Who the @!$# puts white chocolate on ANYTHING? Much less Reese's? I'm sorry, but I don't want what is the candy equivalent of congealed jism violating otherwise perfectly good (if intensely sugared and preserved) peanut butter. White chocolate isn't even chocolate. It was probably invented by a Republican and made out of baby seal eyes. It tastes like sugary vanilla wax on a good day, and dried out cottage cheese from your grandmother's posthumous cooter on a bad one. I mean look at the picture, people! The one that's been bitten into looks like a pustule that's been years in the making. You know the type - liquidy white pus on the outside, hard yellow pus on the inside. What sane human being wants to eat a gigantic sugared pustule?

I do not understand.