Fisting is Patriotic!

Welcome to eBay, home of collectibles, used panties, and patriotic bible school puppets.



First off, let me just say that I despise puppets. There's something intrinsically wrong about shoving your hand into something's sphincter (plush though it may be) in order to manipulate its mouth. There are really only three good reasons for an anal probe: alien abduction, prostate examination, and the good old-fashioned love of anal sex. If I'm not mistaken, none of these things have much to do with the "Sunday School" or "Vacation Bible School" venues for which the creator of this monstrosity imagines it will be used. However, if they do, might I suggest a little Divine Intervention (NOT WORK SAFE).

Now back to my original issue. It looks like Elmo swallowed a gallon of arsenic after being lobotomized by the neighbor's cat. What is further disturbing is the wallpaper. Take a closer look, people. Somehow I doubt that wallpaper comes and goes with the season that is now upon us. If after that observation you have any semblance of retinas intact, let me just ask this:

Does anybody see what I see?

Give your teddy bear a "special" hug!

Yeah, I know I never update this thing. But let's face it - nobody cares anyway. This next installment is something that has been bothering me ever since I went into an adult store and saw "Paulchen" the worm staring me down with a cheery expression on his little green face. Yes, I understand the need for g-spot stimulation. Yes, I understand the need for a nice ribbed texture. What I do not understand is the need for this tool to have a FACE.



Please, someone explain why shoving a worm in your coot is erotic. Maybe it's because I have a touch of the OCD, but all I can think about is infection and disease. If you see a worm hanging out of someone's nether regions, (especially on the first date, God forbid) usually the reaction will be enthusiastic, but more in the way that one is enthusiastic about getting out of a fart-laden elevator.

At least in the case of "Fritzzz the snake" there is some kind of applicable metaphor, although I admit I think his face is even more disturbing than that of the worm. He looks at you as if to say "have any of your other loverssss been able to sssstimulate your g-spot with their entire head?" Not to mention the fact that his tongue hanging out like that gives him the expression of an enthusiastically drunk frat boy in Montana who has just found a sheep with its head through a fence.



Something I'd never seen in a store but had the misfortune of stumbling across on the internet was this charmer:



Charlie the chimp comes with quite a banana. And my final thought for the day - I guess if you're over 20 and still have a teddy bear, it might as well have a 6" spiked dick.

Don't eat it if it's BLUE

Several years ago, my friend Laural made an excellent point - blue food doesn't occur in nature. Even blueberries are more of an indigo or purple color if you want to be specific. So where did we come up with things like blue raspberry? Personally I think whoever decided raspberries were or should be blue was looking at them stoned through the wrong side of some of those cheap 3D glasses. But at the top of the horrifying red to blue food transition list is Heintz Stellar Blue Ketchup.



I will never claim to understand why someone would want their hot dog to look as if it were growing radioactive slime mold. And what the fuck is up with this picture?? Are those onion rings? Do we usually put ketchup on onion rings? And if we do, do we squirt it all over like we're enacting some kind of ritualistic food bukkake?

So let this be our lesson for the day - just say no to blue food.

A question that remains to be answered: Why did my google image search for blue ketchup bring up an asian baby, teletubbies, and a German fruitcake?